I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
