Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
