you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
did you just send me my own nude
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
