you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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