Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
false alarm, still single
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
