[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
