Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
