a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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