Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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