wanna go halves on a baby?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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