your room smells of hookers.
And success
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
