he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
