3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize