The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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