me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
