Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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