we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
