I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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