I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
