I want to make a zoo with you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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