I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
