grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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