idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
