She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
