Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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