i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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