why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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