It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
