ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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