I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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