hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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