I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
