My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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