Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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