i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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