Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
