Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
