Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
