I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Still dying that you shit outside
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
