you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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