You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
