I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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