i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
