If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
