I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
