I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
