I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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