My liver just broke up with me...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
