what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
