take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
