think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
