It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
