the condom got lost in my hair
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Drunk is not a location!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
