I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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