Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
