I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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